The way I see it is if I am so unhappy with how I look on the outside then I need to seriously buckle down and deal with it, only I am so addicted to the chips and the pop that I feel it is my crutch. I end up at the store buying things I dont need without even giving The big blow out! Mom entered my room, I can only imagine after grilling my sibling about her weight, spending habits and other things. She was on the war path and it just so happened that I was the nect victim. I heard a knock which lead to her helping herself into my room as though she owned it. To be honest, she pays the mortgage so every room in this house belongs to her. Immediately she went into the amount of pop cans that were all over my bedroom, and the garbage bag which she assumed was filled with crumpled up chip bags and empty pop cans. 

She wanted to prove that I wasnt as serious about getting healthy as I had said I was. She wanted to know what had happened to the plan that we had set out to get into shape and follow through with our exercise plan, or weekly meetings and the fact that not only myself, her but my sister were serious about making life changes. I can admit that in the month before this argument happened I had been extremely depressed, was eating junk food like it was going out of style, and of course was hiding the evidence in the comfort of my bedroom where I thought no one would notice. I mean who was I kidding, the only person I was really hurting by being so dishonest was myself. 

The way I see it is if I am so unhappy with how I look on the outside then I need to seriously buckle down and deal with it, only I am so addicted to the chips and the p it a second thought. It is actually quite disturbing. 

I think back to before I had my son and how I looked and how confident I felt. I didnt have to pretend I was happy with myself because I just was. I want to be that woman again, I want to be able to put on a swim suit and feel proud of how I look, not hide under a t-shirt and a pair of capris because I have allowed myself to get this obese. I mean honestly. If I were my younger self meeting myself today....I would beat the shit out of me, hopefully knocking some sense into myself and reminding myself that everyday is going to be a struggle. A struggle not to go to the corner store and buy a big bag of chips that I would finish in one sitting. That as great as that bottle of pop tastes, it is just adding more cellulite to my thighs, that it is adding to the weight I have already. 

I hate that I look and feel the way that I do. I keep talking myself up, making a plan to get healthy, putting a routine together, weighing myself, taking measurements. All it is, is talk. Im not doing myself any favors by lying to myself. 

Frankly, I hate how I feel about my appearance, that I get out of breath just walking up the stairs. I want to be healthy, I want to look healthy, feel healthy. Knowing that when I get undressed to get into the shower I dont just jump passed the mirror because I cant stand it. I want to be able to look at myself and be proud of what I have done to make myself look toned, knowing that I have tried and done everything I can to be the best I can be. 

This is another reason why I have started documenting this journey that I am about to embark on. I know it wont be an easy thing, that there will be tones of ups and downs. However, I know that I am not alone. There are thousands of women out there that feel the way that I do. They want to change for the better, they have the idea set in their mind and on paper but they just cant get passed the first step. 

So tonight, this time 1:31 am I am making a promise to not only myself but to my son who deserves a mom who will be healthy for him, and to my family who wants nothing good for me. I am also doing this for those women who are in my shoes. Who are struggling with that motivation and will power. WE CAN DO IT!

Not every woman is going to have the same eating habits, work out plans or goals as myself. I am a 6'0 woman who is currently sitting at 280 pounds. From what my previous family doctor explained to me, for my height and body build I should sit anywhere from 190-200 pounds. So my initial goal will be 200. 

I know that everyday that I wake up in the next few months will be incredibly hard, but with the help of my son who eats healthy because I have made better decisions food wise then my parents made for me, to the support of my mom and sisters who are also wanting to change their lifestyles. I also have started a relationship with a man who himself has let himself go over the years with having 3 children and a full time job to look after. I hope that with the changes I make within myself that I can motivate and encourage others in my situation to do the same. 

Never fight your addictions and life changes alone. The more support you have on your side the more likely you are to succeed in the goals that you make for yourself.

With that being said there are certain things I have done to help me in my process so starting tomorrow I am prepared;

1. Food Journal-get one, you will want to document everything, even those moments of weakness so that you can look back and remind yourself not to give up.

2. Support: Make sure to tell those who are important to you what you are embarking on so that they can give you not only verbal support but emotional support, because lets be honest, this shit isnt going to be an easy beginning. 

3. Affirmations: This is a big one, in all my research that I have done, with life coaching, self esteem help books, affirmations are one thing that stand out. I have made a list of 10 things that I want to constantly remind myself of to keep me going in this rollercoaster as I call it. Put them everywhere. Your car, bathroom mirrior, cell phone background (wallpaper), facebook, instagram, front page of your journal. Constantly remind yourself how much you love you, and make sure your affirmations are things you would like your spouse to say to you on a daily basis, even if you are single. For example: You are GREAT!, You will succeed because you made it happen. These affirmations will help bring you to a happy place in those moments where you have doubt or want to give up, because lets face it. You will want to give up, especially in the first few weeks. 

I am on instagram and I follow a lot of people who are healthy, in shape, work out, have rockin bodies and I always think to myself, "damn I wish I had a body like them". Whats stopping me you may ask. Well lets be honest, the only person stopping me, is me. 

I was raised watching movies with actresses like Marilyn Monroe, Betty Davis, Doris Day, Grace Kelly, Dorothy Dandridge, Ruby Dee. These women were not your typical women you see in these days. They were curvy, had meat on their bones but took pride in how they looked. Mind you Marilyn Monroe had a lot of issues not only with hoe she felt about herself but how she was seen in movies and in pictures. To me those women are what we should aspire to. Not these skinny, starving, no meat actresses that are dipicted in this generations hollywood styles. 

I know that I will never be an Angelina Jolie. Skinny, looking almost deathly. I know that I am a 'big boned' woman but I also know that how I look today is not what I was intended to look like. I should be in my healthy medium, which involves me loosing some bad habits, gaining new good ones and transforming my outer appearance to make my inner self happy again.

4. Research food changes. Heres the thing. Not everyone is going to be in the same situation as myself. I have learned through rough times that I am gluten free. That in itself comes with its challenges because eating gluten free also tends to pack to pounds on instead of helping take them off. So with me, I have to focus more on eating fresh vegtables and protein then I do eating pastas or breads. Those things that I love so dearly are things I have to give up. Also because I have IBS eating red meats are out of the question. If I eat them guaranteed I am in the bathroom within 30 mins of consuming whatever it is I have eaten. 

5. Vitamins: Now here is a big one. For myself I am not one to remember to take meds on a regular basis, some days I forget intirely. I take quite a few vitamins daily, which it should be easy to remember to take them. Alas, its not. I even carry a weekly reminder thing that I can put my daily vitamins into. For myself I take: 4 vitamin D 1000 mgs each, 2 iron pills a day one in the morning after I have my breakfast (which I dont ever have, that will have to change) and one in the evening after I eat my dinner. 

6. Work out schedule: If you dont have things at home to work out with and have to go to a gym then my best suggestion is to seek out a friend who either goes to the gym on a regular basis that can help you come up with a concrete plan, a friend who is a trainer already. Dont be afraid to give them all your details....they will be willing to help you get to where you need to be. If you have equipment at home like I do. I have a treadmill/eliptical thing plus a total gym, bicycle and weights. I have reserched and asked friends who are either gym finatics and know what they are talking about, or personal trainer friends who have given me a basis on what I should be doing. The other thing I have realized is Im so out of shape it is not even funny. If I get winded just walking up a flight of stairs at home, uh dude, thats bad. Im actually so ashamed. It reminds me of my mom 6 years ago. She had the same issues. Time to put this ass into gear.

7. Set a REALISTIC goal: It is one thing to have a goal weight in mind but a totally different thing putting it into perpsective and an actual realistic time frame. Do your research on your height and what your average weight should be. Understand that it is important to be healthy, not skinny because society tells you to. Love you...even though right now you pretend to love you. Its easy, you have grown acustomed to it. Time to be honest. I have 80-90 pounds to lose. It sure as hell wont come off with the snap of a finger. I have given myself a timeline of atleast a year and a half. That to me is enough time to adjust my eating habits, get into a routine with exercising and shedding that extra fat I have been hiding behind the last 9 years. 

8. Get involved: Try and find some sort of physical activity to get involved in. I myself would like to sign up for Beach Volleyball in the summer/fall. My best friend has done this the last few years and Ive sat on the sidelines cheering her on. I want to be a part of this clique in hopes that I can get out there and be more active in a social aspect.

9. REMIND YOURSELF, YOURE WORTH IT! 

10. DONT GIVE UP,write everything down, take weekly weigh ins, check your measurements every 3 weeks. Document everything from your emotions, your eating habits to your weight lose. I am here to document my ups and downs in hopes of helping someone else in my situation.

Good luck my fellow fat kickers......we can do this.