I always felt intrigued by her. She had a bad reputation, and I knew the reason why she got kicked out of the school I went to. She was friends with a group of people I used to hang out with, but that was just about it. We never had a conversation or anything, and I thought she didn't like me at all. She always gave me weird looks and such.
We were 16 when we had our first conversation. That day, we connected. I never thought we would ever have a conversation, so I was really surprised about that. The few bad things I knew about her, didn't matter to me. Talking to her was exciting. We found out had many things in common. To be honest, I was never interested in girls, but I started to have a crush on her. I honestly thought she was amazing and beautiful.
Before I continue, you must know that I used to be a very positive and happy teenager. My life wasn't perfect but I had good grades, a family, friends...I had all I wanted. And the most important thing of all: I knew how to deal with my problems.
We decided to start a relationship. Days passed and the more I knew about her, I began to realize something was terribly wrong with her. She was so strange, and I could tell she was disturbed and troubled. Not just her countenance reflected that. Everyday she verbally expressed something that made me feel scared, insecure and uncomfortable. I tried ignoring her highly suggestive comments and rude behavior but I was still concerned. At times, she treated me the way I wanted her to treat me. I thought I could make her stay that way. I always showed her kindness, respect and good manners no matter what, hoping one day she would learn from that. I was really stupid.
She took advantage of my kindness. Everyday she drained my energies. She treated me like her property and humiliated me, making me feel like everything I did was wrong. She said I was a horrible human being, and the more she kept insisting on that thought, the more I wanted to prove her wrong. I kept her soft side in mind, I held on to that, and that's the only reason why I stayed. I believed deep down, she was a good person.
I knew I wasn't perfect, I understood I had weaknesses but I thought I was doing things right, and maybe I was or maybe I wasn't, but I figured that no matter what I did, she was always going to complain about something "bad" I did. But I assure you, I never disrespected her. I was always trying to make her feel good and happy. Even though she was rude and possessive, I wanted her in my life. I really wanted her attention, and she gave me it. All the attention she gave me made me feel special. But I knew I had to get away from her, even though I was completely in love.
Everyday we had discussions and fights. I spent most of my days crying, getting panic attacks and torturing myself. It all got to the point where I got really sick and tired of fighting and crying everyday, so I told her I was going to break up with her. She begged me to stay and she said she would change. After that, everything seemed perfectly fine for a couple of days, so I decided to continue the relationship even though I still had my doubts.
I realized that she behaved whenever she wanted something from me. She made me believe she would change and every time I tried leaving the relationship, she would do the same thing all over again; I felt like I had no other choice. I knew I had to get out of there, I was convinced I wanted to leave for good and stop all contact with her, but she always found a way to contact me and beg me to get back with her, or else she was going to make my life impossible. I was in love with her, so it was easier for her to manipulate me. Things were exactly like this for two years and a half, I got used to that. Since I was so weak and stupid, I don't remember most of the things she did exactly, I only remember the way she made me feel. She made me feel powerless. She always found a way to make me think I was a bad person. I started changing and I started to believe I wasn't good enough; the happy and positive girl I once was, disappeared.
I experienced so many negative things while being with her, like strong emotional abuse and pain, I started cutting myself and I had my first psychiatric hospitalization. I also tried to kill myself a couple of times, it was all too much for me. I once ended up putting a restraining order against her but she always found a way to bomb my cell phone with texts and voicemails. I couldn't get away from her, even though I ignored her, she stalked me.
After many lessons, one day I finally got over her. I broke up with her for good and I learned to ignore her completely. I practiced ignoring her every time she contacted me, no matter what she told me, even if it made me feel scared. I just simply ignored her. It wasn't easy but it worked. And many things happened in my life after that, good and bad, without her included, but I'll let you know in the next chapter.